I don’t want to be this way. Holed up in my house smelling like a mule, not answering the phone, grumpy all the time. This week has gone from bad to worse and my greatest accomplishment is making homemade macaroni and cheese. Everything the kids did this morning annoyed me and I was a wretch to them until they got on the bus. I feel terrible for dragging them through my misery. I don’t want to use this blog to just bitch and moan, but I feel like I could just burst with frustration and self-loathing. I know it doesn’t have to be this way. I have days when the outdoors calls to me and I take long walks with the dog in the sunshine. I have days when I do the dishes and clean the counter tops – I can’t remember the last time I scrubbed my toilet. I’m sick of myself. I want to cry – the tingling of tears tickles my eyes, but I can’t. I feel like if I cry I’ll just fall apart completely and there will be no putting me back together. I miss having friends, but I’ve pushed them all away. I’m going to be 38 years old on Sunday. I hate birthdays. I will forever be the little girl sitting on my front steps waiting for my birthday party to start when Allison Meredith calls across the street “No one is coming to your party, Kate. No one likes you. You don’t have any friends.”
Sometimes, your posts so closely mirror how I am feeling, it’s eerie. I’m sorry you’re having such a rough go, but tell that little girl in you that I’d definitely attend her birthday party. She has a friend in me 😉
Oh hun.. I agree with the above poster, she has a friend in me too.
There’s nothing wrong with using your blog to vent your feelings. Anything that helps and isnt destructive is definitely going to be good for you.
*huge hugs*
G xx
Thanks again, ladies 🙂 it does really help to know someone hears me. I ended up having a big cry yesterday and cut my hair around 1am… It is a bit of a mess, but I was getting so discusted with how much it fell out and having these long hairs all over everywhere – my dust bunnies were getting to crazy proportions. I guess it was one of the lesser destructive things I could do – I don’t really care much about what I look like anymore, I can’t stand to look in the mirror because I’ve gained so much weight in the last year. Oh well, such is life.
the sun is out today and I’ve showered, so I just might make it outside…