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Posts Tagged ‘terror’

It is so far beyond fucked up when you find yourself talking to an abuser – someone who tortured your mind and body – and find yourself remembering why you loved him to begin with. What chaos and turmoil twists my strained brain right now. He hurt me so much. He changed the entire course of my life with his actions. He hurt my body and made me hate it so much more than I ever had. His smell rises up off an innocent lover and makes me loathe and fear him through no fault of his own. And yet his voice, his kindness, his unexpected understanding sends me reeling and spinning and gasping for air. It isn’t the pain, the fear, the terror, the tears. It is the working together, the dancing on the lawn, the singing “leather and lace,” the building things together, with eachother, for each other… He used to make me laugh and laugh and laugh. He used to make me cry. He was so cruel. Heartless. Cold. Drunk. Angry. Terrifying. And yet I loved him. He doesn’t understand why I would avoid his calls. He doesn’t understand the fear.

 

The fear is remembering that I loved him.

The terror is that I could love him still.

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