I have been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and I’m coming to the conclusion that the other diagnoses are secondary to that PTSD. I’ve accepted that diagnosis – it makes sense. I was a victim of child abuse, I have been sexually abused, raped and lived with the terrorism of domestic violence. That said, I’ve kept that acceptance very cerebral. It is just another label. I’ve spoken about the abuse – especially how it shaped me as a mother in my determination not to treat my kids that way. I worked as an advocate for victims of domestic violence and taught people about the dynamics of abuse – even teaching several courses on Caring for the Abuse-Affected Child.
I have never referred to my mother as “my abuser.”
I stumbled on blogs by Blooming Lotus and Victim or Monster recently discussing adults maintaining relationships with their mother / abuser. I was thrown for a loop when I realized that as angry and hurt as I am, as vicious and cruel as the abuse was, with all the scars I carry, I have never really put the blame on her. I spent years teaching people about taking the blame off victims and putting the responsibility on the abusers – holding abusers accountable – recognizing that abuse is a choice… and I have never blamed her. I have carried the guilt and shame and responsibility on myself. It was because I wasn’t good enough, I broke things, I ruined things, I was clumsy, I was rude, I was loud, I lied… I was a bad kid. So it was my fault.
I brought this up in therapy yesterday and we agreed it is something I really need to deal with. I’m a smart woman – I knew this, but somehow I felt like I couldn’t complain about my mother – I’d just be whining and blaming my fucked up life on her and strong, responsible people don’t do that. I’ve always felt like there was something terribly weak about talking about your mother. Maybe it is the media image I grew up with – the mental patient on the couch complaining about how it is all his mother’s fault – I don’t know. I get really scared to think about talking about it. Scared like a little girl facing down a leather belt, scared. Scared like a little girl who learned how to shut everything off and tune out by simply leaving her body, scared.
I’m a grown woman with two children of my own. Why am I still scared of a little old lady? I’m going back tomorrow and we’ll talk more about it in therapy, but I’m scared. I know it won’t be easy and I hope that I’m strong enough. I’m a little scared.
Yep, you got it right. They did it to us and we let them off the hook.They screwed us, not the other way around.
Hope all goes well in your therapy.
Shit, I get scared everytime I blog. I worry someone’s gonna comment where did that loony escape from:)
Its never easy to accept putting the blame on the abuser… i actually got worse about that with my ex husband after i was diagnosed bipolar. I’d been coming to terms with what he had done to me, then suddenly after diagnosis i started reverting to “well i wasnt easy to live with” etc. And yet, like you, I have advocated for the victims of domestic violence.
I think its a long process, and i think you will get there 🙂
*hugs*
G xx
Preach! My mom left an extremely abusive household to marry my dad and for years would not talk to her parents or sister. But as the wounds healed, and as she grew as a person she began to contact them. Some times she would be burned and other times she was able to have a decent conversation. But like you, my mom made it her goal to never have her kids treated like that. She worked her butt off to stop the cycle so that my sister and grew up in some normalcy.
Whatever you do, keep your head held high and remember how far you have come. Remember the life you have given your kids and how much you have grown.
Hang in there.
Dave.
[…] and Thunderous! I was reading how we use labels over at life is terminal really made me think. Life is terminal wrote”I felt like I couldn’t […]
Strong, responsible people hold others accountable for bad deeds and behavior.
Domestic violence is the ONLY crime in which the victim is blamed and the perpetrator is protected. IMHO, that’s seriously messed up.
I applaud your courage to speak up and wish you healing from your childhood trauma.
Thanks for your kind words. I know it is a process and I’ve got a long way to go – every bit of support helps 🙂
-k8
You’ll be fine 🙂
You are very aware and that’s a big step in itself.
I have Borderline Personality Disorder and I get depressed when I have an episode so I feel your pain. You are never alone even when you feel like you are …
I hope the therapy works magic for you so you have the life you so very much deserve.
This post really reminds me that I’m not alone. I too have had a fear of my mom. She never hit me. But she could be very judgmental and she also never really validated my feelings when I was abused by her foster child. Yes My parents kicked him out but they never got me help. I’m still so angry about it but I also worry about how they purseeve me. I still haven’t told them about my hospital stay because I’m afraid of what they might think. Girl I know what your taking about. I sooooo know. Thanks for reminding me that I’m not alone. I also want to tell you your not alone.
C